Security Guard

A few years ago, I was curious what my dog did all day when I was at work. I setup a time lapse camera to watch her all day. Nothing much happened. Some days I wish I could "work like a dog".

If I had to hire a dog, the monster.com ad would look like this:

Looking for a good dog to
1.) Sleep (23 hours a day)
2.) Bark at strange noises, and hysterically when the doorbell rings, even if its the doorbell on TV, and even if the doorbell on TV doesn't sound like our doorbell. (15 minutes a day)
3.) Fart (15 minutes a day)
4.) Eat (5 minutes a day)
5.) Take a dump, bonus if its the neighbors yard, just kidding (20 minutes a day, not sure why its takes so long...)

Pay: kibbles and bits, plus anything that falls of the plate/counter. Any food that gets left on or near the couch, and anything you can grab out of un-suspecting guest's hands. Good belly rubs occasionally. Must take a bath once a week.